Fear - Day 213

As a parent, I try to employ methods that give my kids the best chance of growing with love and structure building a foundation for the future.  As a teacher, the goal is the same.  Using "every so often" as the term describing the frequency of ridiculously difficult issues, challenges, and let's face it - problems - would not be truthful.  No, the correct word choice would be DAILY.  Many times I have felt inadequate because it is seemingly impossible to put the proper depth into every problem thrown my way or perhaps inexperience takes the trial-by-fire approach to its worrisome limits.  The problem compounds ten fold when the best laid plans, the most thought out methods, and the sure-fire solutions are deployed.....oh and deployed again....and then you come to find out that things are still not working the way they are supposed to.  Sometimes nothing works.  So as a parent and a teacher (and coach), the nagging question in my head is simply - "What in the heck do I do now?"

Sometimes the answers are just not there.  I start thinking about Kevin Costner sitting in is corn fields trying to decipher where the voice is coming from telling him to build his ball field.  In his frustration at one point he yells out "What does that MEAN????" Back in reality this translates daily in math class when a student is gnawing on a 5 step problem and is painfully stuck on step 3 with no relief in sight from step 4.  All he wants in the world in that moment is for me to tell him what the correct choice is.  He has double checked his work, retraced his steps, and yet still coming up with a helpless blank.  I attempt to guide but I simply cannot hand over the solution.  (Where would we be in the educational world if the answers were handed out at the same time as the initial test?)  And so, ironically, I find myself perpetuating the same problem I struggle with when I get home.  Despite frustration, fatigue, and occasional fits of desperation, answers will not be given all the time even with the best strategies at my disposal.  Ellie is in PAIN - What DO I DO?

It is a scary dilemma.  Every cancer patient reacts differently to just about everything chemo related.  So easier said than done (Believe me), but we have to find a way to push through and pray that clarity comes sooner rather than later.  Despite its unpredictability and unknown timeline, faith shows us an inevitable resolution.  Always does....and dammit if it isn't the hardest thing sometimes to wait for.

Ellie completed her third and final round of chemo this past Tuesday for the first half of Delayed Intensification (DI).  She has five days of steroids left and then we will begin the waiting game. Her blood counts will have to bottom out and then recover to qualifying levels to start the second half of DI hopefully around the second week of February.  We had a week off from steroids last week and then restarted them again on Tuesday following the chemo treatments.  The effects from the first week had not fully left her and so this second round has had side effects come on quicker and stronger.  She is cranky from the DEX and nauseous/uncomfortable from the chemo which is a combination that causes her appetite to drop to almost nothing.  Her hunger cravings will hopefully be back in a couple days when the chemo in her body lessens.  She has spent the better part of the last 48 hours in some pain and unable to do much activity for lengthy periods of time.  Her favorite relief comes lying face down on Polly's lap and having Polly stroke her back.  Thankfully good ol' Elmo provides some comic relief as well and so we have had some good doses of therapeutic Sesame Street this week.  Her and Timmy just one day out of the blue started singing one of the songs by memory.  My laughter turned to minor annoyance because twice now I have gone to work whistling the tune not able in the least to get out of my head. "SING....SING A SONG..."  Ok, I'll stop.

We are still germ free (sledgehammering on wood!), and have been able to keep a somewhat decent schedule in the last two weeks.  Polly has taken her to the clinic twice this week and will go twice more next for checks on labs.  Another remarkable thing is that despite her blood counts starting to plummet, her ANC has remained fairly resilient above 500 thus keeping up her own defenses against germs pretty well for the time being.  She hasn't had to have any transfusions quite yet which minimizes the long hours at the clinic on some days.  Her usual 5am wake up calls have been moving into the 3:45-4:15am range on some nights.  Awakening at that time even after having troubles falling asleep each night which requires Polly to sit outside her bedroom door for sometime before she finally conks out.  Nothing is ever better when everyone is tired, that's for sure.  The saving grace in all of this sometimes?  Timmy.  She will go to sleep faster and easier when he is in the room.  On several occasions over the past couple months, he tries to reach through his crib rail to her to give her one of his stuffed animals or just see if she is OK.  It doesn't happen every night and he does his fair share of waking her up because he cannot find his paci (or one of the 155 stuffed animals in his crib he insists on sleeping with), but he can provide her with a kind of support that nobody else can.  That much is for certain.

Three weeks of DI down and about 5-6 to go.  It will get worse before it gets better because of the particular drugs on tap for weeks 5-8....especially the ARAC which we have to give her via a shot into her arm at home four days in a row for two weeks.  Fortunately, the steroids will be done by that point and we will have her charismatic smile back every morning.  The times when she moans in pain can seem four times longer than they really are but yet here we are already 5 days away from the end of January.  We started this journey exactly 7 months ago today.

Polly and I find ways to get away mentally from things even if just for a few moments on occasion.  The serene feeling of the hour or two we have at night after both are finally asleep in peace in their room goes by quick but it is something.  My soccer season is reaching its climax with only 4 games left til the playoffs and so I can easily immerse myself into game film or conversing with coaching friends.  The distractions keep me from tearing my hair out over finding answers that are not forthcoming that day.  One of the reasons I've worked so hard in the past is because there is a part of me that searches for that time when all issues are settled and I can ultimately relax fully, completely, and totally for an unspecified amount of time without worry until I decide to start up again.  Spring time always brings about that opportunity.  I have my doubts that is going to happen this year but I am willing to keep trying to figure it out.  Maybe the end of DI will shed some light.  If anything, I can always get into my car, turn on my Burning Heart - SURVIVOR CD, rev the engine, and drive around for a few miles shifting my manual transmission on my Ferrari (ok, its an Eclipse) about 26 times every 5 minutes.  (C'mon now, I've gone seven long months without making a ROCKY IV reference on this blog so it was just TIME to do so. Besides, its unamerican without it)

What to do when things aren't working as you hope they will or answers are not coming fast enough?  I fear that helpless feeling.  Several years ago as I was preparing, I thought I would get to that point many times in my first year of teaching.  Yes problems arose, but eventually solutions came.  Not all with smooth edges mind you or with like-able conclusions, but they did show themselves and immeasurable experience was gained.  This cancer battle is obviously on a different level of magnitude and the energy it requires is something that humbles my daily priorities.  Polly and I were able to manage and get through her pain today, so I figure we're now one day wiser for tackling tomorrow.  We must have faith that is enough for now.

I'm going to sign off with a powerful poem that speaks to me today.  The first two lines of which were used as a central theme in the true story movie made a few years back called "Coach Carter" about the Richmond High School Basketball team here in the Bay Area.  Thank you deeply from Polly and I for all the continued prayers and support for our beautiful little girl.

Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate.

Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.

It is our Light, not our darkness, that most frightens us.

We ask ourselves, who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented and fabulous?

Actually, who are you not to be?

You are a child of God.  Your playing small doesn't serve the world.

There's nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people

won't feel insecure around you.

We were born to make manifest the Glory of God that is within us.

It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone.

And as we let our own Light shine, we unconsciously give other

people permission to do the same.

As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically

liberates others.

~~ Marrianne Williamson ~~