Hold on, to Me as we go,
As we roll down this unfamiliar road,
And although this wave is stringing us along,
Just know you're not alone,
Cause I'm going to make this place your home.
This is a happy post, so put your Kleenex away, you won't need it. We are weaving a story of success today and intertwined among the strands that will bend, but never break, are moments where strength and hope merge into one. I still maintain it is a guarded optimism, but it is optimism nonetheless. We look forward more or less because it is the only place we can go. I know most could probably never imagine their child's life with cancer. I'm not sure at this point we could imagine ours without it. But it is something I can make peace with everyday because I am still watching Ellie grow up. Her tenacious smile that takes over a room when she walks into it and her uncanny ability to persevere through many things the rest of us would cringe at make everyday with her a blessing. Some days, time stands still and we can just watch her twirl around the room, chasing or being chased by Timmy, and giving me a reason as to why I am supposed to be right here, right now as if there was never an alternative to consider.
School began for me this past week and like a familiar friend that always shows up on cue, I kinda like the routine the fall schedule brings. It is a new beginning with a chance to fulfill new ideas and ambitions on many fronts. A new set of students and of course the promise of a challenging season on the pitch just three months away. I will probably tell you differently in early March, but I could walk the sidelines for months on end. The never ending cycle of preparing, executing, and analyzing has its long days, but the daily fight along the way is where the fun lies. I think the underlying theme behind a lot of what I love to do is the ability to progress everyday. Many days we go nowhere, but the potential to move forward is there as soon as that alarm clock goes off in the morning and so the dream is alive. BTW, "Alarm clock" comes in so many different forms in our house....most notably Ellie's bellowing, "Dadddddddddy, I readygidout. READYGIDDOUT, DADDDY!!!" sixty seconds before the actual alarm clock sounds. (How does she know and will i ever get that one minute back?!) Her voice is a welcome start to a day that fuels, motivates, and provides a little chicken soup for the soul. As much as I want to guarantee the future to her of decades to come so she can grow and experience EVERYTHING, suddenly I am wishing she could stay 3 years old indefinitely.
This particular fall despite I and my ventures, Polly and her now ability to get back to her law practice on a much more regular basis, the routine we are both most anticipating is watching Ellie and Timmy thrive in their first real outside environment at preschool. They deserve to be average kids even though we will always see them as much more than that. Today at lunch we had a discussion based on a question Ellie had asked about a friend of hers at LPCH who had her port removed a while back because she had finished all of her chemotherapy. While Timmy wanted to know if the port would ever go back in, Ellie wanted confirmation that it had in fact been taken out and the circular discussion always coming back to same points continued. It's kinda funny how curious they both are. We discuss ABC's, Elmo, pushing baby dolls in strollers (she now is saying she wants a "Big girl" stroller for Christmas and will gladly give Timmy her old one to use if she gets it) and we discuss ports, chemotherapy, and growing hair back just as much. I enjoy our talks but am loving what's ahead for them with new friends and teachers where ports are not the norm. Both of them are so ready for this! Timmy has asked for and received a notebook where he writes his homework down. Tonight we all got stamps as they conjured up some game between themselves where everyone's hand had to be stamped with a different color. While Polly and I just watched, they organized the "stamps" (colored blocks) so that every person had at least two color choices before hands were duly stamped. During bath time, they conspired in an attempt to dump the entire liter bottle of soap out of its container as soon as Polly turned away for a moment. Afterwards they chased each other around the living room til they were out of breath for rights to slide on an old changing table we were going to be tossing out. To finish the night off, synchronized somersaults on the bedroom carpet! Ellie has been the master of the gym floor for a few weeks now but tonight she applauded as Timmy finally completed his first end to end somersault with out falling sideways (though trust me he will tell you he's been doing them right for months). They have each other's backs. For all the potential that the next chapter this fall will be bringing with it, the joys experienced on days like today fill our house with a rich overtone of life. We are centered with faith, hope, and love at Home where few things can interfere.
Our race to support Camp Okizu is two weeks from today. I am hoping the excitement in my words are popping off your screen right now as we are elated to have met our fundraising goal of $4000!!! (and then some). I ran 5 days in a row last week and I think the adrenaline derived from it all channels directly from Ellie doing so well. She even managed to beat a cold this week that included the use of 3 boxes of tissues and overcoming a cough. Her body is fighting things off as it should be. She has done more than her part, so its time to do mine. The goal was to run the 5K in 24 minutes. Last Tuesday, I set a personal best of 23:30. Much to maintain in the next two weeks but I may just go for that 23min mark. Why the heck not???? I have so many people to thank for donations and promise I will get to you by race day or soon thereafter. We'll take pictures and put a few up on the blog. I cannot tell you how much your support means to Polly and I. In the cancer fight, its so important to feel like you have the upper hand. It's momentum, it's motivation, and it's hope. You keep going and you find a way to go places with your family you never thought possible.
Coach Wooden has a great quote from his tremendously moving library of thoughts, "Be quick, but don't hurry". It means to do the right thing, learn to do it quickly, but don't lose control and especially don't lose sight of what's important. Finding order in chaos can be a daunting task. When answers are not abundant and period of uncertainty have set in, I think its best to return to what we know. I've been scared to say this for quite sometime because I don't want to jinx anything. Given my search for answers and demands I've thrown God's way a few hundred times in the past 400+ days, I know my thoughts could never and will never have a negative impact on Ellie's plight. So I am going to say it - She is beating this thing. She equalized a year ago July and she is firmly in the driver's seat now. If you want a success story from a 3 year old girl whose only hope this afternoon was to ensure her friend had her port removed so she could celebrate being done with chemo, you've got it. We've not let ourselves slip in the thought that this is all far from over, but after weeks like these past few where she is suddenly swimming near full lengths of the pool, teaching her brother how to do a somersault, dancing when she hears a song she knows come on, and laughing everyday....my god, we have our daughter in front of us full of life and growing up. Polly handles Septra and Zofran duties (antibiotic and nausea meds) while I tackle the 6MP (chemo) every night...and we both sit on pins and needles with most Friday blood tests....but we can easily slow down to watch the magic of what's in front of us right here at home. As our experience has grown on how to do this (and believe me there is no book to help), our resolve has increased exponentially. We are ready for what's next.
I think back to my freshman year in college. I was fortunate enough to travel with band at UCLA and accompany the basketball team to Seattle for the Final Four that year (1995) where they ended up winning the national title. With about 3 minutes left in the game, UCLA led that season by one of those "JC" type characters you read of in books named Ed O'Bannon who hit what was his 3rd or 4th 3-pointer of the game to put the Bruins up by enough where the game was just about out of reach. Something clicked at that moment. The nervous adrenaline changed to more of a giddy excitement. I turned to my buddy Dave on my right, put my hand on his shoulder, and said "We're gonna do this!" Being a fan, there's no such thing as direct involvement in making a ball go through the hoop but the air of invincibility that night was apparent, infectious to us all, and priceless in the moment. Everyone felt it and was a part of something special. I'm not going to say I won't have more nervous adrenaline in the next several months....but I'm starting to find my reserves of giddy excitement again. She is doing it. She's winning right now. I thank God for that and her near14 months of being cancer free. My Bruin family will understand a phrase from 1995 that applies right now in 2012 like never before - YEAH BABY!!!
The lyrics written at the beginning of this post are from a recent popular song by Phillip Phillips called "HOME" which Polly and I have really enjoyed listening to when the kids are asleep in their beds and we can have some down time with each other in the evenings. It is a beautiful song. I'll leave you with the rest of the song below. Be quick, but don't hurry this week. :)
Settle Down, it'll all be clear
Don't pay no mind to the demons
They fill you with fear
The trouble it might drag you down
If you get lost, you can always be found
Just know you're not alone
Cause I'm going to make this place your home
Settle Down, it'll all be clear
Don't pay no mind to the demons
They fill you with fear
The trouble it might drag you down
If you get lost, you can always be found
Just know you're not alone
Cause I'm going to make this place your home
~~HOME by Phillip Phillips~~
