Spring - Day 251

Spring is my absolute favorite time of year.  With a little touch of irony, my first full weekend since the completion of my soccer season this past week came with 75 degree weather here in the Bay Area on both days and a warmth that teases a bit of an early spring fever.  It is a nice thing to slow down from the 12-14 hour days of the last 4 months and more importantly, refocus on each day with meticulous attention to detail for the purpose of just living.  I'm not sure what that all entirely means or what it entails, but in the past few years since I've been married and with an acute sense of awareness this year, I truly enjoy getting to each day and finding out as I go.  I like the potential for things to happen....sort of like that next big adventure ahead as I spoke about in a post a while back.  Call it the warm weather bringing about grandeur ideas.  As I always tell my players, who may take a loss or a missed opportunity a little hard, there will ALWAYS be another game.  Figuring out the shape and scope of what that "game" actually is or will be could take some thought as it may not entail lacing up the boots and setting up for a kickoff, but it always comes around in one form or another.  It is up to us to look toward that next adventure with an eye on progress and an eager smile for some adventure.

A year ago I had some thoughts to do some home remodeling.  Polly and I dream of getting ourselves a home someday where the kids can spread out a bit and maybe even have a yard.  Easier said than done living on the pricey bay area peninsula.  And so, if touching this current place of ours up one wall at a time is what it will take to add value, then that's what I was going to do.  With the help of my dad, we've been about to do a few things over the last couple of years but the first major project was to start last summer where we were going to tackle the kitchen, refinish all of the cabinets, and start really chipping away at the to-do list.  Right after the twins birthdays last June 4th, I went out and gathered some color samples and looked at finishes and fixtures. The pile of reading material was significant and too big for the front seat of my car....so I moved it to the trunk.  A few days later I headed out of town to see my cousin in San Luis Obispo and got the phone call on my return home that Ellie was sick.  And the rest as they say is history.  Funny thing though, I had completely forgotten about all of that stuff in my trunk until just three weeks ago as I was opening my trunk for the first time in a very long time to get my heavy jacket out for a soccer game.  As I stood there holding the hatchback open, I gave the total inventory a once over and closed the car up.  I don't really care to read any of it for a while.  Spring this year is not going to be about seeing how much "stuff" we can acquire nor what upgrades we can do to "stuff" we already own just so we can sell it and buy bigger amounts "stuff".  This is where I believe faith enters in once again.  Faith that things on the "stuff" front will work out at some point the way they are supposed to and there shouldn't be anymore significant worry thrown its way than is absolutely necessary.  So, now here we go....back to living.

Our roller coaster is slowing for now.  We can feel it for the near future as well.  Ellie finished off her final PEG shots last Friday, her Thioguanine pills last Thursday, and has only one more injection of Vincristine next week to complete Delayed Intensification (DI) and thus close out front line treatment.  She has been in such good spirits this last week that it really is hard to figure how we are still technically in DI.  I'm not sure I have explained the PEG shots, but the experience is worth noting so you are aware of what Ellie has to endure and even more remarkable how she sports an infectious smile almost moments afterward where a picture of her is worth 100 words.  PEG-AsparaGINAISE is an enzyme injected directly into a patient's thigh muscle.  All of our body's normal living cells require a chemical called AsaparaGINE to stay alive.  Regular functioning cells have the ability to reproduce their own Asparagine when/if it happens to be broken down within the cell.  So, when the PEG is injected into the body, it breaks down and destroys the living cell Asparagine.  While normal healthy cells will then regenerate their own Asparagine, cancer cells do not have this ability and thus they die.  Ellie does not have any cancer cells in her body currently that we are aware of, so these PEG shots act as reinforcements to fortify all of the healthy strongholds, if you will.  The hard part about of all of this is getting the shots into the patients.  The dose requires there to be two syringes, two needles, and thus two sticks into Ellie.  The process requires three nurses.  While Polly usually holds her head, one nurse pins her arms to her, and the other two nurses go in-sync with a syringe each to her left and right leg so she receives both pokes together.  She screams the minute they walk into the room and doesn't let up til its over.  This is perhaps the worst chemo experience of all the drugs in terms of how its given.

When the shots are over, much like when we complete her ARAC shots at home (which go into a SUB-Q small temporary port, so we don't actually have to stick her), she starts ranting "ALL DONE - ALL DONE - ALL DONE MOMMY ALL DONE" before finally calming down and enjoying the right to pick out a band aid and usually receive a small wrapped gift from Polly (I am in major trouble next Christmas :) )  She has received PEG shots in every phase of treatment in the last 9 months.  So, in theory the PEG shots of DI were her final ones because there is no PEG given during her Long Term maintenance phase.  Thank God.

Her side effects have been decreasing slowly.  She still has an upset stomach about once every three days, but it is usually short lived and she feels better just about instantaneously.  Her sleep patterns are still totally consistent though believe me, we'll take this over the early part of February any day.  She wakes up anytime she goes to the bathroom in her diaper.  My guess is the days after the bad chemo a while back that stung her skin when it was expelled are in the back of her mind....though also she knows if she asks in the night to change her diaper, Polly will come rushing in, so we figure it could be an attention seeking tactic too.  Like clockwork though is the 5am bellow for her to be picked up and brought to our bed for a final hour of sleep.  Currently, her baby doll must accompany her along with said doll's baby blanket.  Definitely do not forget the doll's blanket or else.  Failure to grab it along with the doll when I scoop her up half asleep myself results in the entire house being woken up from screams of horror as seemingly a "third strike" crime has obviously just occurred.  But...if she can handle PEG shots, I can handle being tasked with remembering the blanket.

So, since Ellie has been on a super upswing we kicked off Spring this weekend with some quality time.  Saturday we let the kids go bike riding in the neighborhood nearby and then got to run around on the large grass area by themselves.  All flowers they see now are "Daffodils".  (yes, even the ragweed and other random weed flowers in the brush)  Ellie did the entire loop on her strider bike.  Haven't seen her do that in quite a while.  In the afternoon, I gathered some fresh ingredients from our local market and made my first attempt at a Demi Glace sauce with a red wine reduction served with mushrooms over some awesome roast lamb (meat cooked courtesy of my father in law).  We ate that night with Polly's parents and the kids all at the same table.  I tasted EVERY bite.  All the while Ellie giggling at Timmy for sucking down 8 stalks of grilled asparagus where he would start eating each piece like a chipmunk from the bottom up and then hand me the poor green carcass when he was finished.  This was a couple hours of heaven.  Today was more sunshine and more play time outside.  At one point Timmy was jumping around our walk way looking up at the moon which was up before dusk.  He was pleading with the moon for it to come down and play with him.  While I wonder where he comes up with such ideas, I marvel at his innocence.  I am inspired by Ellie's ability to forget about her PEG shots.  And, its time to spend these upcoming weeks of spring seeking simplicity.

There is a potential everyday to do something that brings a little joy into the house.  Spring time helps that idea move to the forefront.  I need to make this a top priority more often and vow to do so this year.  Kids have the uncanny ability to bring out that youthful sense of adventure in us in all likelihood to remind us not to get caught up in so many plans.  Polly and I get very cautious sometimes to celebrate the "end" of certain benchmarks in treatment.  We have even wondered aloud if a party in October 2013 when she finishes all treatment is even appropriate.  Will cancer be gone for good?  I don't know and will never know.  We will NEVER know.  But that's when spring time takes over because today is another day and anything is possible.    There is no sense in squashing what's possible TODAY because of fear for tomorrow.  So, we will celebrate the end of PEG shots with a youthful exuberance only 2 year old twins know how to employ and when Ellie goes OT (Off treatment), you better believe we're finding a store that sells ticker tape by the mile.  Spring is our time right now to find that next adventure and relish tastes, smiles, discoveries, and just BE.  That's all I want.  Well, and a contact would be nice for the man on the moon who can tell me when he'll visiting next so I can have Timmy ready to go.